1983

 

On January 6th 1983, David Beckham founded the British Fashion Council at the age of 7 as a way to showcase his rapidly expanding collection of Bakerboy caps. It now champions a diverse selection of EU passport holders and plays host to talks and workshops promoting unusually flavored popcorn and the slaughter of innocent animals. 

1984

 

London Fashion Week as we know it launched in 1984 in Tottenham and is responsible for the fantastic gentrification that area has experienced over the last 4 decades. Last we heard they had a Supercuts! As a result, London Fashion Week ranks alongside African Heritage Week, National Kraut and Frankfurter Week and Children of Alcoholics Week as one of the ‘Big Four’ national holidays in the month of February. (LFW’s November rendition has always received a lukewarm response because the fashion press is too busy with Christmas shopping.)

1989

 

Whilst the Berlin Wall was coming down and the Dalai Lama was off winning his Nobel Peace Prize, the BFC was launching something truly meaningful: their greatly anticipated Fashion Awards ceremony. Different categories include ‘Designer Most Benefitting from Nepotism’ and ‘Best Plagiariser’.

1993 

 

Developed to cut a decent tax break, the BFC New Generation scheme was introduced, offering design labels the opportunity to dress members of Beckham’s family. Victoria Beckham is among the first designers to benefit.

1998

 

BFC Princess of Wales Charitable Trust is set up to award elocution lessons to Nicholas Coleridge’s 12 godchildren.

2008

 

At a Downing Street British Fashion Council reception to mark the organisation’s 25th year, guests are encouraged to participate in a fuelled orgy hosted by the Prime Minister’s alleged mistress, Trinny Woodall. 

2010 

 

Mysterious occult group lead by Sam Cam and dubbed ‘Order of the Peplum Tops’ undertakes a hostile takeover of the BFC by bribing board members with fake tickets to a meet and greet with Jersey Shore’s Snooki. The group introduce an annual fashion séance with the mandatory dress code of their signature peplum tops. The style soon becomes a fixture in high street retailers, though until now, no-one knew why.

2012 

Alexa Chung defeats the Peplums and presents the Duchess of Cornwall with Sam Cam’s severed head. Chung is appointed BFC Ambassador and London Collections: Men is launched to celebrate.

2019

After an anonymous call from the offices of award-wanting magazine SKIP Dinner, pest control discover the BFC's executive board has become overrun by talent-thirsty vampires. The company is disbanded and parties are thrown in streets across London for 2 months.

 

A definitively unreliable guide to London's most autocratic shit stain.